Round One: Four More Fights!

Today's matches are brought to you by Llamas with Hats.

The most intense fight of today happened during our first competition. Flash character Charlie the Unicorn(16) put up a freakishly good fight against the huge, butt-kicking robot Optimus Prime(1). At first, Optimus was thrown for a loop by Charlie's strange bouts of singing and communication with extinct reptiles. This allowed the obnoxious unicorn to strike Optimus in the Allspark, knocking him to the ground. However, this didn't last long. After one swift blow, the unicorn was on the ground, feeling as if he had been hit by a truck. It was only when he looked up and saw the robot in disguise careening toward him for a second and final collision.

As tumbleweeds rolled about the cage, legendary actor John Wayne(8) entered the cage. He had been called into town to stop a fella known as the "Burger King(9)." Turns out, this interloper had been comin' into town, stealin' away cows and makin' 'em into delicious patties of beef topped with various vegetables. The town-folk wouldn't have it, so they called the baddest cowboy of 'em all. When John Wayne found the Burger King in a pasture, he called, "Hey there...fella! Why...don't we head down...to the....saloon?" The King only stared blankly and very creepily. John Wayne tried to verbally communicate twice more unsuccessfully before saying, "Fine then....Have it your...way!" and shooting the King with his six-shooter.

Wheelchair-bound physicist Stephen Hawking(5) fought a very controversial match against former president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter(12). At the onset of the match, Hawking gave a brief account of all time and space. Jimmy Carter just happened to walk in at the same moment that Hawking mentioned black holes. Incensed, Carter immediately decried Hawking's life's work as racist and that the world should disregard him entirely. During this frivolous exposition, Stephen Hawking used his ultimate knowledge to open up a wormhole underneath Carter's feet. Upon his sudden departure from the cage, Carter was disqualified for leaving the arena. It is assumed that he is either somewhere outside the Milky Way, or more likely very dead.

Today's final match was conducted in the form of a short three-act tragicomedy. In the first act, Dr. Horrible(4) began the utter decimation of the area's forests, to which the Lorax (13) did not take kindly. Act I left us hanging with the Lorax wondering what to do next. As the second act began, Dr. Horrible was posting a new entry on his vlog, letting everyone know what his next act of evil would be; all the while, the Lorax was planning something. In the third and final act, Horrible, armed with his death ray, faced off against his nemesis, the Lorax. What he didn't expect, however was just what happened. The Lorax, now accompanied by an aresenal of environmentalism blogs, led a cyber-attack on Horrible's blog, crashing it. The pain at losing his blog brought back memories of the accidental killing of his beloved, and the Emmy Award-winning villain offed himself by inhaling the fumes of his wonderflonium.

TUESDAY! TUESDAY! Round One finishes up today! Joan of Arc and Wile E. Coyote vie for life, while Sean Connery will tussle with Frosty the Snowman, Rush Limbaugh tries to squash Megan Fox, and Guy Fawkes takes on Shirley Temple.

Man, it feels good to be right! More Round One

Who won, who died? Who moves on, and who's done moving altogether? For that matter, who is still all together? Read on!

Boba Fett(6) landed the Slave I outside the cage and quickly strode out, taking care not to bump his head on the way out. His opponent, former Batman Adam West(11) was nowhere in sight. However, the ever-typecast television has-been soon revealed himself by belaying down the inside of the cage along a bungee cord he claimed as part of his "batgear." The cord however, came loose about halfway through West's fall, sending him careening toward the floor of the cage. Fett took one shot with his EE-3 carbine rifle and killed West before he hit the ground. It is expected that Americans of all ages will begin parodying themselves in honor of the fallen star.

Today's match between Joseph Stalin(3) and Michael Moore(14) began entirely on the left side of the cage, as each contestant thought this was their "home turf." The rotund filmmaker struck the first blow, announcing a new documentary about the dark side of Soviet Russia. Stalin, in his eternal belief in all things Soviet, attempted to send Moore off to work in the gulag. Unfortunately, the Siberian tundra wasn't anywhere near the cage during this particular match, making gulag work almost impossible. Moore's next attack involved a lot of yelling, which also did not work. The ruthless dictator immediately killed the award-winner using several techniques, all of which are too grotesque to list here.

Hillcrest's own Gary Riggins(7) had a tough match against Borat Sagdiyev(10) today. The Kazakh was at first very confused as to who Gary was, and was under the impression that he was to be worshiped as a white American god. Once he realized his mistake, Borat decided to disrobe and attempt to wrestle Riggins to win the match. In the most awkward scene in the match, the two tumbled, one clothed and one completely naked. Somehow, in the scuffle, Gary engineered a blow to the head, and Borat's nonsensical ramblings were put to an end.

Jean Grey(2) took on the only competitor from the DPC (Dead Presidents' Conference) in today's final match. James K. Polk(15), a Tennessee/North Carolina Democrat, stood strongly and proudly in the center of the cage as Jean Grey entered. To his credit, Polk had a very reasonable list of goals for the match, and was able to complete most of them. To his dismay, none of his plans for winning the match took his opponent into consideration. The mutant woman very easily disintegrated Polk's being. What remained after the match has been stored on display at the Smithsonian and commemorated on a postage stamp to honor the memory of the last strong president before the Civil War.

So, that's how things went! The Selection Committee won today's imaginary bracket pool, with all of the higher seeds winning. Man it feels good to be right.

The upcoming matches include: Optimus Prime and Charlie the Unicorn, John Wayne and the Burger King, Stephen Hawking versus Jimmy Carter, and Dr. Horrible against the Lorax.

Irony in the first sentence: Round One Continues

Greetings readers! Today's results come to you more promptly than ever before!

Today's match featuring James Bond(1) and Helen Keller(16) saw our first fight with someone who had already won. Helen Keller's early win in the play-in against Gumby left her feeling good, but she was unprepared to face the British agent. If you think about it, James Bond is the only participant in Fight of the Day 5 with an actual license to kill, which gives him a clear advantage. Keller did her best to inspire Bond with her compelling story. Unfortunately, overcoming her deafness and blindness allowed her to live a fruitful life, but did not help her fight a successful fight. Bond, to his credit, was very humane about his killing, finishing Keller of with a single bullet from Christopher Lee's golden gun.

The SSC (Sesame Street Conference) fared very well this year in the selection process for the Fight of the Day. Oscar the Grouch's unexpected win over Greg Boone earlier this week provided Elmo(8) with enough hope to carry him into today's match against Conan O'Brien(9). In fact, Elmo was so ready for today's match, by comparison it looked like O'Brien didn't even have writers supporting him for a significant portion of the strike...I mean, fight. The late night host really incensed the public television figure with his off-color jokes and disturbing physical appearance. Then Elmo announced to the camera that today's fight was sponsored by his fists. Those fluffy fists were more than enough to muss the distinctive hair on Conan's head, leaving his feeble mind open to attack. The knowledge that the cheerful red puppet imparted was more than the simple celebrity could handle, and he immediately died of shock.

"Robble, robble, robble," said the Hamburglar(12) as he stood to face Associate Director of University Honors Christina McIntyre(5). The Honors staffer, smartly clad in an unexpected gorilla costume. McIntyre proceeded to reeducate Hamburglar in the ways of a healthy lifestyle. Unfortunately, the McDonaldland resident's conversion to health food came a few minutes too late. Years and years of eating McDonalds hamburgers had irreparably clogged the rotund thief's arteries, and his heart gave out right there in the cage.

Being fictional AND imaginary didn't stop Tyler Durden(4) from performing well in his match against Dr. Seuss(13). Rife with rhyme, the match took little time. What you must see, bub, is that Durden helped start a fighting club. Other details we cannot share, but Dr. Seuss splattered everywhere.

Today’s matches are so exciting they will blow your mind. We’ve got Michael Moore vs. Joseph Stalin, Gary Riggins fighting Borat, Adam West vs. Boba Fett, Jean Grey competing against James K. Polk.

These upsets have the Administration worried! Round One continues.

Round One is half over! Pretty soon, we'll start seeing some folks fight their second match! In fact, if you read on, a friend from the play-in game might have a fight coming up...

Super-American Stephen Colbert(6) came to the match today armed only with his glasses, suit, and patriotism. His love for America and the fact that he exudes red-state awesome from his very pores would be more than enough to take care of his Hillcrestacean opponent, Heejun Choi(11). It turns out, however, that Mr. Choi can handle quite a bit. After being berated for several minutes at the interview table, Choi simply laughed off Colbert's acerbic statements. After this repartee, Choi simply hugged the homophobic Colbert to death. Seriously, this hug lasted a good five minutes. By the end, there wasn't much left of the Comedy Central star, other than his glasses and suit.

In what has been dubbed the most ironic match result yet, the Survivorman didn't survive. That's right folks, Les Stroud(3) lost his life at the questioning hands of the philosopher Socrates(14). Unaccustomed to traveling anywhere with another person, Stroud placed his cameras as usual and began to reconnoiter about the cage in search of materials to build a shelter. Socrates opened up a can of Method and asked Stroud a serious of questions, treating each successive question not as an inquiry, but an answer. This drove Stroud absolutely bonkers, to the point that he intentionally canceled his Discovery Channel show by stabbing himself in the face with his overly large knife.

Gollum(7) took to the cage first, ambling about the cage on all fours, as he is prone to do. Soon though, Steve Jobs(10) entered the area, wearing his characteristic black mock-turtleneck and blue jeans, carrying no weapons other than a brand new iPhone. The audience immediately roared with applause as Jobs began to speak. Gollum was not prepared, nor in the mood for a keynote address, and began thrashing about in Jobs' direction. Gollum's sputtering and flailing knocked the iPhone out of Jobs' hand, at which point he became very haggard and aged. With his source of all power and energy tossed away, the demigod of computer technology could only stand there hunched over and take Gollum's attack like a Mac...I mean, man. With his last breath, Jobs said, not ironically, "Ouch."

In the biggest and stupidest upset that the Fight of the Day has ever seen, a hugely under-qualified nursery rhyme figure defeated one of the most notoriously evil murderers in Russian History. Those of us here still can't believe that Mother Goose(15) could have had the power to disembowel Tsar Ivan the Terrible(2). However, video replay shows only a could of dust stirred up by Mother Goose's wings. As the cloud settles, a mass of human flesh only marginally resembling the Russian ruler appears. With Ivan dead, Mother Goose was declared the winner, even if no one knows how she could have possibly won the match.

Play-in winner Helen Keller faces 007 James Bond today! Other matches include Elmo versus Conan O'Brien, Honors staffer Christina McIntyre fights Hamburglar, and Tyler Durden takes on Dr. Seuss. Stay tuned!

Upsets! More of Round One!

In a battle of wartime contemporaries, Captain America(1) and Neville Chamberlain(16) could not have been more unprepared. When they came to the match, they expected their two great nations to agree on how to handle Hitler. Unfortunately, the patriotically striped hero was all about using his medically enhanced body to kick some serious Nazi tail. Chamberlain wanted a less violent approach. Harsh words between the two allies turned to blows, and Chamberlain was down for the count. It is suspected that Winston Churchill will step in soon and take care of things.

World Regions instructor John Boyer(8) loves America. Why? Because WE'RE RICH! Incidentally, Billy Mays(9) wanted to take that money in a series of manageable payments plus shipping and handling. Boyer didn't take kindly to this, and unleashed some moves he learned from Vlad "The Man" Putin back during the Soviet days. Unfortunately, Mays parried these blows by sending Boyer two roundhouse kicks for the price of one. Rendered unconscious, Boyer was unable to engage and entertain the audience for support, and was yelled to death by Mays' expert salesmanship.

As a former ambassador to the United Nations, Madeleine Albright(12) knew how to handle her adversaries. As a former cute little bunny, the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog(5) had no trouble fooling his opponents with abject adorability. Put off by how cute the Rabbit was, Albright stupidly reached down to pet it, in hopes that she could smother it to death much as she smothered the threat of war in Iraq during the late 1990s. Unfortunately, this failed and she was immediately eviscerated by the Killer Rabbit. Cleanup crews from Fight of the Day are still at work.

Everyone knows that Greg Boone(4), a Hokie football star, doesn't take any trash. It turns out, his intolerance to garbage is not a personal, but a biological condition. In a most unexpected turn of events, Oscar the Grouch(13) managed to decimate the gridiron master by covering him with the refuse of Sesame Street. Boone immediately succumbed to death. Fate was at play today as well - Boone's match versus the vile, green puppet was held in Atlanta, and everyone knows that a Hokie just can't win a competition in the state of Georgia this year.

Today's matches are just as exciting as yesterday's! See Stephen Colbert fight Heejun Choi, Les Stroud take on Socrates, Gollum goes against Steve Jobs, and Ivan the Terrible tries his hand at killing Mother Goose!

More Round One: RIP Kanye

Who needs introductory remarks? Let's just get to the important stuff!

Everyone assumed that Godzilla(3) would have little trouble with one-hit wonder Rick Astley(14). Boy were they wrong. Godzilla had an incredibly difficult time working his way into the cage without incinerating the entire audience. (Note: Fight of the Day is not responsible for the occasional injury and/or death as a result of audience attendance.) Astley immediately Rick Roll'd the entirety of the arena, rendering Godzilla speechless, as he had never seen someone speak English without comically poor dubbing. This moment of confusion gave Astley the opportunity to bust out some sick dance moves and very painfully end the giant lizard's slow, destructive rampage to the title.

Earlier today, the Internet was abuzz with reports that Kanye West(6) had died. In fact, the superstar had not died, but was simply super early for his cage match against actor-director Kenneth Branagh(11). When West arrived, the previous match was still under way, but West politely told the competitors, "Imma let you finish." Once inside the arena, West used his previously displayed stun attack, hoping it would work as well against the Irishman as it did against Canadian Mike Myers. The attack worked so well that Branagh immediately lapsed into the death scene from Hamlet. Kanye West proceeded to self-destruct, much like his career. Kenneth Branagh was nominated for three Oscars for his performance in today's match.

Before her match against Cookie Monster(7), Hillcrestacean Liz Heisler(10) underwent a considerable battery of tests to assure her victory. After it was determined that her CCR (Cookie Constitution Rating) was low enough to protect her from certain nomming, she took to the cage with the puppet. Devoid of all cookie-like objects, the Sesame Street resident acted out with all the rage his puppeteer could muster. Wire-operated arms flailed about at his freshman opponent, causing absolutely no damage whatsoever. When Heisler realized that Cookie Monster was basically just a giant sock, she grabbed him, balled him up, and assassinated him.

Ace Ventura(15) suspected immediately after his selection that Captain Kirk(2) had done wrong to the Tribbles aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise. The pet detective began his offensive with a flying kick, but in fine slapstick form, fell several yards short of his target. Kirk chuckled quietly to himself, and instinctively tapped his communicator to tell Mr. Spock what was up. Unfortunately, Spock did not respond because the Fight of the Day takes place in a total dead zone. Kirk then unleashed his entire repertoire of martial arts training. Before the audience knew it, Ventura was dead of massive contusions to the general body area. It seems highly unlikely that Ventura will get a sequel this time.

A quarter of the first round has been fought, with six more days of first round action ahead! Who will prevail in today's fights? Will it be Captain America or former British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain? International guru and educator John Boyer or Billy Mays? The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog or first female Secretary of State Madeleine Albright? Greg Boone or garbage-dwelling Oscar the Grouch? Tune in and see!

Round One Results, a very musical edition!

I am become death, destroyer of worlds...

...Not me, actually, but four of today's competitors destroyed their opponents! Read on!

Old MacDonald(16) had a fight, E-I-E-I-O!
Where Jackie Chan(1) punched out his lights, E-I-E-I-O!
With a oof-oof! here, and a slam-slam there,
Karate chop, karate chop, everywhere a chop-chop!
Old MacDonald bought the farm, E-I-E-I-O!

Virginia Tech's Associate Housing Director Kenneth Belcher(9) took it upon himself to email Wall-E(8) several times before the match today. First, he warned the Pixar character about upcoming visits to the cage by the fire marshal, and then notified Wall-E that the hot water in his building would be turned off the next morning. Fearing the possibility of unshowered hall mates, Wall-E took action. While only uttering his own name, the lovable automaton tirelessly beat Belcher to a pulp before efficiently tidying up the cage.

Today's third match was held after dark, which just happens to be the best time to fight if you're the Headless Horseman(5). The likelihood that Dark Helmet(12) could win was about as slim as having a Mel Brooks film without a Jew-joke. Even his Schwartz couldn't save him. Dark Helmet swung his lighted weapon at the neck of the Horseman, only to realize that there was not neck at which to swing. The Headless Horseman deftly bonked Dark Helmet on the top of the head, killing him. Safety regulators for the fleet of Planet Spaceball are expected to recall all military-issue helmets after this hilariously ironic death match. In other news, the Headless Horseman finally has new headgear to replace that rotting pumpkin he's been using for years.

Much to the Happyness of the crowd, Will Smith(4) rapped his way into the arena. After this spectacle, his opponent, Ludwig van Beethoven(13) attempted to sneak up behind him and hit him with a Ba-na-na-na. When this failed to work, the great German symphonist tried the "Na na na na boo boo, I can't hear you!" approach, hoping to taunt the multi-talented celebrity into submission. Eventually, Beethoven realized that he had no chance of winning the match, calling himself "pathetique" and giving up. Smith used a very small but effective laser handgun device to silence the composer for good.

Hillcrest's own Liz Heisler faces the Cookie Monster today! Other match-ups include Kenneth Branagh versus Kanye West, Godzilla and Rick Astley, and Captain Kirk versus Ace Ventura!

Play-in Match Results!

The play-in match is complete, the bracket has been posted, and the death matching has begun! Huzzah!

Now, before we get on to the bracket itself, let's see how the play-in match went. Read on!

The lights were dimmed dramatically as Helen Keller and Gumby entered the arena. Once they were inside the cage, the lights were turned out. This, commented one of the judges, "Would even the playing field and make everything a whole lot funnier." Gumby's lack of clay ears and incidental blindness immediately caught him off guard, leaving him open to attack. While fumbling around the mostly empty cage trying to get her bearings, Keller stepped on the seven-inch tall clay being, squashing him until he was unrecognizable. In his honor, the Fight of the Day provided free Pokey Stix to all those in attendance.

The first round kicks off today outside Hillcrest 238! Come witness epic match-ups between Jackie Chan and Old MacDonald, Wall-E and Kenneth Belcher, Headless Horseman versus Dark Helmet, and Will Smith against Ludwig van Beethoven!

In other Fight of the Day news, Fight of the Day is now on Twitter! Visit us and follow us at www.twitter.com/fightoftheday for tournament updates, recaps, and other fun!

What IS the Fight of the Day Tournament?

It's all very simple, my friends. Let's break it down.

Fight (n). a violent confrontation or struggle. Here at the Fight of the Day, the fights are to the death. That's right. We put competitors into a 50' by 50' by 50' chain-link cage and wait it out. Whichever fighter is left standing (or at least breathing) is the winner.

of the Day. These fights happen every day. This part is pretty self-explanatory.

Tournament (n.) a series of contests between a number of competitors, who compete for an overall prize. The Fight of the Day Tournament doesn't just make its competitors fight to the death, it makes its competitors fight to the death repeatedly. The matches go day after day in series, until one competitor wins the prize.

"But commissioner, what is the prize?" This is very simple, fans. The prize is not being dead. To date, four champions have emerged from the Fight of the Day Tournament and been crowned champions. They are pictured below.

Chewbacca, the Wookiee warrior and copilot of the Millennium Falcon, won the inaugural Fight of the Day Tournament, winning key matches against Voldemort and William Wallace to secure his victory.

Former Death Eater and Hogwarts Professor and Headmaster Severus Snape fought valiantly and heroically to win Fight of the Day II.

An imaginative six-year old and his wise stuffed tiger fought and won the Fight of the Day III: Dynamic Duo Edition. That's right folks, Calvin and Hobbes are in the same club as Severus Snape and Chewbacca.

Jedi Master Yoda took home the Fight of the Day: The Return-ament championship, solidifying the SEC (StarWars is Excellent Conference) as the top conference in the league.

Who will win the upcoming tournament? We'll see...

Well, folks, hopefully this little tour has made you a little smarter about the Fight of the Day Tournament. Tune in to this blog over the course of the Fall Tournament to keep up to date with match play and other various Fight of the Day fun!