Irony in the first sentence: Round One Continues

Greetings readers! Today's results come to you more promptly than ever before!

Today's match featuring James Bond(1) and Helen Keller(16) saw our first fight with someone who had already won. Helen Keller's early win in the play-in against Gumby left her feeling good, but she was unprepared to face the British agent. If you think about it, James Bond is the only participant in Fight of the Day 5 with an actual license to kill, which gives him a clear advantage. Keller did her best to inspire Bond with her compelling story. Unfortunately, overcoming her deafness and blindness allowed her to live a fruitful life, but did not help her fight a successful fight. Bond, to his credit, was very humane about his killing, finishing Keller of with a single bullet from Christopher Lee's golden gun.

The SSC (Sesame Street Conference) fared very well this year in the selection process for the Fight of the Day. Oscar the Grouch's unexpected win over Greg Boone earlier this week provided Elmo(8) with enough hope to carry him into today's match against Conan O'Brien(9). In fact, Elmo was so ready for today's match, by comparison it looked like O'Brien didn't even have writers supporting him for a significant portion of the strike...I mean, fight. The late night host really incensed the public television figure with his off-color jokes and disturbing physical appearance. Then Elmo announced to the camera that today's fight was sponsored by his fists. Those fluffy fists were more than enough to muss the distinctive hair on Conan's head, leaving his feeble mind open to attack. The knowledge that the cheerful red puppet imparted was more than the simple celebrity could handle, and he immediately died of shock.

"Robble, robble, robble," said the Hamburglar(12) as he stood to face Associate Director of University Honors Christina McIntyre(5). The Honors staffer, smartly clad in an unexpected gorilla costume. McIntyre proceeded to reeducate Hamburglar in the ways of a healthy lifestyle. Unfortunately, the McDonaldland resident's conversion to health food came a few minutes too late. Years and years of eating McDonalds hamburgers had irreparably clogged the rotund thief's arteries, and his heart gave out right there in the cage.

Being fictional AND imaginary didn't stop Tyler Durden(4) from performing well in his match against Dr. Seuss(13). Rife with rhyme, the match took little time. What you must see, bub, is that Durden helped start a fighting club. Other details we cannot share, but Dr. Seuss splattered everywhere.

Today’s matches are so exciting they will blow your mind. We’ve got Michael Moore vs. Joseph Stalin, Gary Riggins fighting Borat, Adam West vs. Boba Fett, Jean Grey competing against James K. Polk.