Man, it feels good to be right! More Round One

Who won, who died? Who moves on, and who's done moving altogether? For that matter, who is still all together? Read on!

Boba Fett(6) landed the Slave I outside the cage and quickly strode out, taking care not to bump his head on the way out. His opponent, former Batman Adam West(11) was nowhere in sight. However, the ever-typecast television has-been soon revealed himself by belaying down the inside of the cage along a bungee cord he claimed as part of his "batgear." The cord however, came loose about halfway through West's fall, sending him careening toward the floor of the cage. Fett took one shot with his EE-3 carbine rifle and killed West before he hit the ground. It is expected that Americans of all ages will begin parodying themselves in honor of the fallen star.

Today's match between Joseph Stalin(3) and Michael Moore(14) began entirely on the left side of the cage, as each contestant thought this was their "home turf." The rotund filmmaker struck the first blow, announcing a new documentary about the dark side of Soviet Russia. Stalin, in his eternal belief in all things Soviet, attempted to send Moore off to work in the gulag. Unfortunately, the Siberian tundra wasn't anywhere near the cage during this particular match, making gulag work almost impossible. Moore's next attack involved a lot of yelling, which also did not work. The ruthless dictator immediately killed the award-winner using several techniques, all of which are too grotesque to list here.

Hillcrest's own Gary Riggins(7) had a tough match against Borat Sagdiyev(10) today. The Kazakh was at first very confused as to who Gary was, and was under the impression that he was to be worshiped as a white American god. Once he realized his mistake, Borat decided to disrobe and attempt to wrestle Riggins to win the match. In the most awkward scene in the match, the two tumbled, one clothed and one completely naked. Somehow, in the scuffle, Gary engineered a blow to the head, and Borat's nonsensical ramblings were put to an end.

Jean Grey(2) took on the only competitor from the DPC (Dead Presidents' Conference) in today's final match. James K. Polk(15), a Tennessee/North Carolina Democrat, stood strongly and proudly in the center of the cage as Jean Grey entered. To his credit, Polk had a very reasonable list of goals for the match, and was able to complete most of them. To his dismay, none of his plans for winning the match took his opponent into consideration. The mutant woman very easily disintegrated Polk's being. What remained after the match has been stored on display at the Smithsonian and commemorated on a postage stamp to honor the memory of the last strong president before the Civil War.

So, that's how things went! The Selection Committee won today's imaginary bracket pool, with all of the higher seeds winning. Man it feels good to be right.

The upcoming matches include: Optimus Prime and Charlie the Unicorn, John Wayne and the Burger King, Stephen Hawking versus Jimmy Carter, and Dr. Horrible against the Lorax.