You have to admit, the FOTD Selection Committee did a pretty decent job this season. Three of the four #1 seeds made it to the Final Four? But one of them will have to die for another to make it to the Championship against the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog. Who will it be?
East Region Champion James Bond swaggered into the cage with all the machismo given him by his creator, Ian Fleming. True to form, the robot in disguise, Optimus Prime, rolled into the cage with all of the mechanical power and might that is natural for an alien robot in the form of a semi. A standoff of masculinity began between the man and the machine. Fearing that the Autobot was in fact carrying two stolen nuclear warheads for the global terroroist organization SPECTRE, Bond tore of his shirt and for some reason donned scuba gear. In order to portray the human quality of testosterone-driven competition, Prime reciprocated by tearing off his chest plate, inadvertently exposing the Allspark, his source of life. After a few shakes, and no stirs, Bond was able to prepare the perfect martini, which he deftly tossed into the Transformer's open chest cavity, shorting out the Allspark and bringing to an end the magnanimous, benevolent heroism and total awesomeness that was Optimus Prime.
So, will the Killer Bunny of Caerbannog be able to fool James Bond with the fuzzy-and-cute routine, or will the 007's license to kill finally spell the end for the hopping fiend? Who will be the Fight of the Day Champion?
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Rabbits and Kung Fu! Final Four Action
The championship match draws nearer every second! In less than three days the Fight of the Day Champion will be crowned! Read on to see who won't be alive to see who wins!
When Jackie Chan entered the cage for his fight today, he took care not to touch the floor anywhere near the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog's lair. He had seen what had happened to the scores of helpless men that had tried traditional ways of killing the bunny. When it finally came time for the two competitors to engage, Chan alighted on the floor gently, with all of the grace of a feather. The Rabbit didn't even notice. With nothing but his hands for weapons, the drunken master decided to improvise. After digging around in his pockets for a few seconds, he discovered a tissue, which he promptly knotted to make it stronger. The ensuing onslaught against the Killer Rabbit lapsed into slow motion several times, with the bunny's killer teeth barely missing the kung fu master's skin. At the most inopportune moment, Chan was distracted by an audience member quoting one of his innovative action comedies, and the Killer Rabbit made his move, eviscerating the martial arts king before he could hit the ground. Ironically, as the Fight of the Day attendants cleaned up today's match, the PA system began to play a familiar song, sung by today's defeated fighter.
The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog moves on to fight for the Fight of the Day Championship! Who will face him? Will it be Optimus Prime, or James Bond?
When Jackie Chan entered the cage for his fight today, he took care not to touch the floor anywhere near the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog's lair. He had seen what had happened to the scores of helpless men that had tried traditional ways of killing the bunny. When it finally came time for the two competitors to engage, Chan alighted on the floor gently, with all of the grace of a feather. The Rabbit didn't even notice. With nothing but his hands for weapons, the drunken master decided to improvise. After digging around in his pockets for a few seconds, he discovered a tissue, which he promptly knotted to make it stronger. The ensuing onslaught against the Killer Rabbit lapsed into slow motion several times, with the bunny's killer teeth barely missing the kung fu master's skin. At the most inopportune moment, Chan was distracted by an audience member quoting one of his innovative action comedies, and the Killer Rabbit made his move, eviscerating the martial arts king before he could hit the ground. Ironically, as the Fight of the Day attendants cleaned up today's match, the PA system began to play a familiar song, sung by today's defeated fighter.
The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog moves on to fight for the Fight of the Day Championship! Who will face him? Will it be Optimus Prime, or James Bond?
Untimely Elite Eight Results
The Final Four is full! Read on to see who advanced!
The Elite Eight match between Optimus Prime and Sean Connery is one that will go down in the record books, folks. What record did they break, you ask? Well, friends, they broke the record for the quickest match ever. In fact, with Stephen Hawking dead, it was nearly impossible for the official FOTD timekeepers to tell exactly how short the fight was. When the nearly eighty-year-old actor lumbered into the cage, he stopped inside the entrance to catch his breath. There, he was flattened almost instantly by the speeding robot in disguise. By the time Optimus transformed into robot mode, all he had to do was wipe his feet and claim his win.
Stay tuned for the results of the North-West Final Four match, featuring the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and Jackie Chan!
The Elite Eight match between Optimus Prime and Sean Connery is one that will go down in the record books, folks. What record did they break, you ask? Well, friends, they broke the record for the quickest match ever. In fact, with Stephen Hawking dead, it was nearly impossible for the official FOTD timekeepers to tell exactly how short the fight was. When the nearly eighty-year-old actor lumbered into the cage, he stopped inside the entrance to catch his breath. There, he was flattened almost instantly by the speeding robot in disguise. By the time Optimus transformed into robot mode, all he had to do was wipe his feet and claim his win.
Stay tuned for the results of the North-West Final Four match, featuring the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and Jackie Chan!
Friday, November 13, 2009
E-LATE Eight Results!
The Nerdfest Dance offered enjoyment and respite from the drudgery of the workweek, but no such relaxation was offered to our fighters! Read on and see who's dancing on who's grave!
Jean Grey levitated herself into the cage today using only her awesome telepathic powers, while James Bond used a flying car. The mutant teacher and X-man went about dismantling the very cage itself while the 007 tried to fight her onslaught. Eventually, using a device provided to him by Q, Bond was able to work his way closer and closer to Grey without being harmed by her physics-defying assault. As he drew closer, more and more of his body parts were removed, making it more and more unlikely that he would be able to pull of the come-from-behind win. However, when Bond was close enough to speak to the seemingly all-powerful mutant, he began to woo her with his undeniable charm. After losing/killing her lover Scott Summers, Grey had been left with the feral desire to appease her primal urges, and when she was presented with an opportunity, she let down her guard for an instant, giving the suave agent just enough time to stab her in the gut, exercising his license to kill.
The final Elite Eight match between Optimus Prime and Sean Connery was a close one! Who do you think pulled out the win for the chance to fight in the Final Four? Tune in tomorrow!
Jean Grey levitated herself into the cage today using only her awesome telepathic powers, while James Bond used a flying car. The mutant teacher and X-man went about dismantling the very cage itself while the 007 tried to fight her onslaught. Eventually, using a device provided to him by Q, Bond was able to work his way closer and closer to Grey without being harmed by her physics-defying assault. As he drew closer, more and more of his body parts were removed, making it more and more unlikely that he would be able to pull of the come-from-behind win. However, when Bond was close enough to speak to the seemingly all-powerful mutant, he began to woo her with his undeniable charm. After losing/killing her lover Scott Summers, Grey had been left with the feral desire to appease her primal urges, and when she was presented with an opportunity, she let down her guard for an instant, giving the suave agent just enough time to stab her in the gut, exercising his license to kill.
The final Elite Eight match between Optimus Prime and Sean Connery was a close one! Who do you think pulled out the win for the chance to fight in the Final Four? Tune in tomorrow!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
This match was just PRECIOUS! Elite Eight Results!
Death! Destruction! Disaster! Details:
Today's Elite Eight match brought to the arena a pair of benevolent creatures turned murderous. The Stoor Hobbit of the River-folk, now known as Gollum, faced off against his foe the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog. While the story of the Rabbit's descent into evil is not widely known, Gollum's struggle with his ownership and pursuit of the One Ring sheds a lot of light on the goings-on of today's match. You see, the Killer Rabbit didn't care that today was Gollum's birthday, and failed to bring a worthy present. This angered the wily creature and he attempted to strangle the Rabbit. Not to be outdone in a killing contest, the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog acted swiftly and chomped down on Gollum's neck. Fortunately for the bunny's progress, he didn't feel the same compassion for Gollum's life that Sam, Frodo, and Bilbo had in the past. Even though the decrepit Stoor Hobbit's life had been stretched out by the powers of the Ring, it came to an abrupt end in a flourish of blood, screams, and white rabbit fur.
It's a hard knock life for the Fight of the Day contestants. Who do you think won the third Elite Eight match? Was it James Bond or Jean Grey? Stay tuned!
Today's Elite Eight match brought to the arena a pair of benevolent creatures turned murderous. The Stoor Hobbit of the River-folk, now known as Gollum, faced off against his foe the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog. While the story of the Rabbit's descent into evil is not widely known, Gollum's struggle with his ownership and pursuit of the One Ring sheds a lot of light on the goings-on of today's match. You see, the Killer Rabbit didn't care that today was Gollum's birthday, and failed to bring a worthy present. This angered the wily creature and he attempted to strangle the Rabbit. Not to be outdone in a killing contest, the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog acted swiftly and chomped down on Gollum's neck. Fortunately for the bunny's progress, he didn't feel the same compassion for Gollum's life that Sam, Frodo, and Bilbo had in the past. Even though the decrepit Stoor Hobbit's life had been stretched out by the powers of the Ring, it came to an abrupt end in a flourish of blood, screams, and white rabbit fur.
It's a hard knock life for the Fight of the Day contestants. Who do you think won the third Elite Eight match? Was it James Bond or Jean Grey? Stay tuned!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The Elite Eight is under way!
The championship match is rapidly approaching, but which to famed fighters will be there?
The first Elite Eight match of the tournament was held yesterday in Cassell Coliseum, the culminating location of the Fight of the Day 5. Virginia Tech's own Liz Heisler was fired up to fight Jackie Chan, in what could be her last match of the tournament. The martial arts master entered the cage today without a sound, and without being seen, only confirming the fact that he is an actual ninja. Heisler's sick math skills enabled her to calculate Chan's exact coordinates within the cage. With this knowledge, Heisler was able to use her pyromaniac tendencies to her advantage, setting Chan's black belt on fire at the ends. The now-flaming ninja flew at the innocent-looking Hillcrestacean with the intent to strike her upon the equation-filled cranium. He succeeded, splitting Heisler's head open with his powerful flying kick, exploding great music, mathematical genius, and an overwhelming effusion of quality movie choices. A somber mood has fallen around the 2.5 floor near the Fight of the Day headquarters, with many of the Heisler faithful heading outdoors to burn various things in her memory.
Because of Daylight Savings Time, or lack thereof, Fight of the Day has been operating on a less-than-regular schedule. For that reason, the upcoming match between the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and Gollum has already finished! The administration apologizes for the lack of initiative taken by the commissioner during this time change.
The first Elite Eight match of the tournament was held yesterday in Cassell Coliseum, the culminating location of the Fight of the Day 5. Virginia Tech's own Liz Heisler was fired up to fight Jackie Chan, in what could be her last match of the tournament. The martial arts master entered the cage today without a sound, and without being seen, only confirming the fact that he is an actual ninja. Heisler's sick math skills enabled her to calculate Chan's exact coordinates within the cage. With this knowledge, Heisler was able to use her pyromaniac tendencies to her advantage, setting Chan's black belt on fire at the ends. The now-flaming ninja flew at the innocent-looking Hillcrestacean with the intent to strike her upon the equation-filled cranium. He succeeded, splitting Heisler's head open with his powerful flying kick, exploding great music, mathematical genius, and an overwhelming effusion of quality movie choices. A somber mood has fallen around the 2.5 floor near the Fight of the Day headquarters, with many of the Heisler faithful heading outdoors to burn various things in her memory.
Because of Daylight Savings Time, or lack thereof, Fight of the Day has been operating on a less-than-regular schedule. For that reason, the upcoming match between the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and Gollum has already finished! The administration apologizes for the lack of initiative taken by the commissioner during this time change.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The Sweet Sixteen are now the Elite Eight!
Only eight competitors are left alive after today's matches! Who will go on to win the Fight of the Day 5? Read on and see who won't!
The first match of the day saw an old conference rivalry flare back up. Optimus Prime and Stephen Hawking, titans of the Digital Voices Conference faced off to see who would represent the league in the Elite Eight. Both competitors rolled into the cage, Hawking in his wheelchair and the Autobot on his tractor-trailer tires. The match didn't last very long - Hawking's attempts to disprove Optimus Prime's existence through his extensive knowledge of the universe were quickly refuted by a swift flick of the interstellar robot's wrist. Thrown across the cage and hurt badly, Hawking geared his wheelchair up to full throttle and aimed right for Optimus Prime's spark thinking, "If I could just open his chest, I could expose his life-force for the fraud that it is!" As valiant as his effort was, Hawking's flight toward glory was halted by a concussion grenade fired from the Autobot's arm cannons. The explosion forced Hawking to retire from his post at the University of Cambridge, not because he had reached the mandatory retirement age of 68, but because he was now situated around the cage in several thousand pieces.
Once again, Guy Fawkes planned his attack against his opponent well in advance. Immediately upon arriving to the arena, Fawkes once again rigged one side of the cage, cleverly disguised as the Houses of Parliament, to explode. When the time came to blow up Sean Connery, Fawkes was surprised and perplexed to find his opponent hiding alongside him on the safe side of the cage. It turns out, Connery wanted to help in this Gunpowder Plot against the British government in order to fight for Scottish independence. When Fawkes' plan failed, Connery berated him endlessly in a verbal tirade the likes of which has never been seen in the Fight of the Day tournament. Hours of inappropriate comments towards women (specifically Fawkes' mother) and towards the English rebel's own sexuality finally drove Fawkes to suicide. Before he could be cruelly executed by the Scot, he jumped off his hiding place and broke his neck, dying on his own terms rather than Connery's!
Today's match-up between Jackie Chan and Liz Heisler starts off the Elite Eight? Who will move ahead to the Final Four? Find out tomorrow!
The first match of the day saw an old conference rivalry flare back up. Optimus Prime and Stephen Hawking, titans of the Digital Voices Conference faced off to see who would represent the league in the Elite Eight. Both competitors rolled into the cage, Hawking in his wheelchair and the Autobot on his tractor-trailer tires. The match didn't last very long - Hawking's attempts to disprove Optimus Prime's existence through his extensive knowledge of the universe were quickly refuted by a swift flick of the interstellar robot's wrist. Thrown across the cage and hurt badly, Hawking geared his wheelchair up to full throttle and aimed right for Optimus Prime's spark thinking, "If I could just open his chest, I could expose his life-force for the fraud that it is!" As valiant as his effort was, Hawking's flight toward glory was halted by a concussion grenade fired from the Autobot's arm cannons. The explosion forced Hawking to retire from his post at the University of Cambridge, not because he had reached the mandatory retirement age of 68, but because he was now situated around the cage in several thousand pieces.
Once again, Guy Fawkes planned his attack against his opponent well in advance. Immediately upon arriving to the arena, Fawkes once again rigged one side of the cage, cleverly disguised as the Houses of Parliament, to explode. When the time came to blow up Sean Connery, Fawkes was surprised and perplexed to find his opponent hiding alongside him on the safe side of the cage. It turns out, Connery wanted to help in this Gunpowder Plot against the British government in order to fight for Scottish independence. When Fawkes' plan failed, Connery berated him endlessly in a verbal tirade the likes of which has never been seen in the Fight of the Day tournament. Hours of inappropriate comments towards women (specifically Fawkes' mother) and towards the English rebel's own sexuality finally drove Fawkes to suicide. Before he could be cruelly executed by the Scot, he jumped off his hiding place and broke his neck, dying on his own terms rather than Connery's!
Today's match-up between Jackie Chan and Liz Heisler starts off the Elite Eight? Who will move ahead to the Final Four? Find out tomorrow!
Long-Awaited Sweet Sixteen Results
| show details 9:52 PM (0 minutes ago) |
The match between James Bond and Tyler Durden was a nightmare for the officials. Neither competitor broke Fight of the Day rules, but boy, oh boy, were the rules of Fight Club disrespected. When he arrived to face off with the British spy, he announced to the entire crowd that he was a member of a secret organization devoted to fighting that would give him a clear advantage over the tuxedo-ed intelligence officer. After this flagrant violation of the first rule of Fight Club, Durden repeated his assertion, breaking the second rule as well! By this point, James Bond had removed his belt and was using it to strangle Durden, thereby violating the sixth rule of Fight Club. Durden eventually yelled "Stop!" and tried to tap out of the match, but the persistent 007 held his improvised assassin's wire around Durden's throat, tightening it more and more, killing the figment of some narrator's imagination once and for all, and also violating the third rule of Fight Club.
In the longest and most evenly matched fight of the Sweet Sixteen, mutant Jean Grey faced off with bounty hunter Boba Fett. Fett represented the SEC's (StarWars is Excellent Conference) only hope to defend its tournament wins, but could he get it done for his conference. After his battle against Joseph Stalin, Boba Fett was barred from bringing his Home Carbonite Freezer into the match, and was told by the Fight of the Day commissioner that he must use his traditional forms of killing and capture for his upcoming match. As the top-notch headhunter entered the match, the entire audience, as well as the cage itself was levitating about four feet off the ground while Jean Grey sat quietly but intensely in the corner. When Fett tossed a thermal detonator across the cage toward her, the mutant suppressed the explosion into a small *pop* with her telekinesis. Boba's next attack, a volley of blaster fire, was stopped by a wall of invisible force generated by the redhead's mutant mind powers. A third attempt at killing Grey would have to involve the bounty hunter's famed cunning and planning skills rather than brute force. Unfortunately, the extremely powerful mutant woman didn't allow time for such things; she invaded the adopted Mandalorian's mind and wreaked havoc, causing Boba Fett's head to literally explode inside his helmet. At that moment, the entire arena dropped back into place with a jolt, and Jean Grey walked out calmly triumphant.
Today's matches are nearly done! Have you stopped by to see who's winning? Will it be Optimus Prime or Stephen Hawking? Sean Connery or Guy Fawkes?
Friday, November 6, 2009
Now with a higher concentration of AWESOME: Sweet Sixteen Results
**By popular request, today's recaps contain slightly fewer words and hopefully a little more awesome sauce than recent recaps.
Would we finally see the upset of a #1 seed today? Will a non-human make it to the Elite Eight today? Keep reading and we'll see!
Captain America stood with an air of triumph about him as his match against the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog commenced. The Rabbit, not surprisingly, began the match looking cute, cuddly, and entirely harmless. This perceived innocence faded rather quickly when Captain America threw his recently repaired shield patriotically at the fuzzy ball of fluff, only to have it deflected by the powerful kick of the Rabbit's hind legs. The next most American thing the masked man could think of would be to shoot the Killer Rabbit for sport; however, Captain America failed to bring a gun, because he just doesn't do that. All other options exhausted, Captain America went in for the hands-on approach, which as most of you could guess, didn't turn out so well. The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog did a wonderful job of exposing the fact that Captain America did not in fact have any superhuman powers at all.
Gollum and Socrates met today in a heated battle of one-named wonders. In order for Socrates to have a full grasp of the scope of the match, he repeatedly asked the former Smeagol questions about his nature, and the surroundings of the cage. To "help out" the Greek philosopher, Gollum offered to guide him around the cage. Along the path to wherever they were going inside the cage, Gollum deviously pointed out some hemlock, suggesting that Socrates try some. In what could be the most stunning turn of events in the Fight of the Day, Socrates fell for it. The hemlock caused Socrates' entire respiratory system to collapse, suffocating him to death. The last word the Greek spoke was, of course, "Why?"
There you have it folks! Tune in today for James Bond versus Tyler Durden and Jean Grey versus Boba Fett!
Would we finally see the upset of a #1 seed today? Will a non-human make it to the Elite Eight today? Keep reading and we'll see!
Captain America stood with an air of triumph about him as his match against the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog commenced. The Rabbit, not surprisingly, began the match looking cute, cuddly, and entirely harmless. This perceived innocence faded rather quickly when Captain America threw his recently repaired shield patriotically at the fuzzy ball of fluff, only to have it deflected by the powerful kick of the Rabbit's hind legs. The next most American thing the masked man could think of would be to shoot the Killer Rabbit for sport; however, Captain America failed to bring a gun, because he just doesn't do that. All other options exhausted, Captain America went in for the hands-on approach, which as most of you could guess, didn't turn out so well. The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog did a wonderful job of exposing the fact that Captain America did not in fact have any superhuman powers at all.
Gollum and Socrates met today in a heated battle of one-named wonders. In order for Socrates to have a full grasp of the scope of the match, he repeatedly asked the former Smeagol questions about his nature, and the surroundings of the cage. To "help out" the Greek philosopher, Gollum offered to guide him around the cage. Along the path to wherever they were going inside the cage, Gollum deviously pointed out some hemlock, suggesting that Socrates try some. In what could be the most stunning turn of events in the Fight of the Day, Socrates fell for it. The hemlock caused Socrates' entire respiratory system to collapse, suffocating him to death. The last word the Greek spoke was, of course, "Why?"
There you have it folks! Tune in today for James Bond versus Tyler Durden and Jean Grey versus Boba Fett!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Death Scenes and Maimed Memes: Sweet Sixteen Results!
The Sweet Sixteen fighters began the next step of their quest for glory today! Let's see how things went!
Kung fu master Jackie Chan and actor-singer-producer Will Smith took a break from their upcoming project to assail each other in the Fight of the Day cage. Upon their arrival, cage attendants rolled out a red carpet on which to amble into the arena. As the match began, Chan began to meditate, finding his center of strength, while Smith cracked his knuckles and flexed his biceps. After these pre-match rituals were complete, the fighting began. Chan's well-choreographed movements were picture-perfect for the instant replay cameras and for the audience, but they were almost ineffective against Smith's scrappy street fighting approach. Neither celebrity was able to make any sort of destructive headway against the other, so a timeout was called. During the timeout, their agents ran to the cage and tried to give them the best advice on how to win the match. When the match restarted it was almost as if Smith had a hitch in his giddy-up or that he had about seven pounds of lead in each shoe. Smith's new found lethargy gave Chan the opportunity of a lifetime to end Smith's lifetime. Three flying kicks and a roundhouse to the face later, Smith was dead. But it's not all bad, boys and girls. Smith's outstanding performances in the first and second rounds should inspire younger generations to fight. Hopefully, for the sake of being interesting, Smith's legacy will inspire good boys and bad boys, too.
Would Rick roll to another surprising victory, or would Liz sock it to him? It turns out, the British musician isn't very good at fighting, but he is very good at breaking his promises. Yes, that's right folks, Rick Astley gave up, let us all down, ran around, and hurt us. He sure made me cry, too. Liz Heisler was armed and dangerous today; she brought the argyle socks. The match began at the keyboard, where Astley and Heisler took turns in a piano-off competition. When it was determined that the two competitors were evenly matched, the judges ruled that they would actually have to fight to the death. Astley decided that the best way to kill the Hillcrest freshman one of his lesser-known, less-than-hit songs to her, causing her to attempt suicide. However, after twenty years, even Rick Astley didn't remember any other songs Rick Astley sang. Liz used this moment of amnesia to stuff her patterned weapon down the singer's throat, where the sock met those heavenly vocal folds that have serenaded the interwebs for several years now. The official Fight of the Day footage of Astley's death is expected to become the next obnoxious meme born of the Internet.
Who's up next? Heavens to Betsy, it's Captain America and the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog! And look out, here come Gollum and Socrates! See you tomorrow!
Kung fu master Jackie Chan and actor-singer-producer Will Smith took a break from their upcoming project to assail each other in the Fight of the Day cage. Upon their arrival, cage attendants rolled out a red carpet on which to amble into the arena. As the match began, Chan began to meditate, finding his center of strength, while Smith cracked his knuckles and flexed his biceps. After these pre-match rituals were complete, the fighting began. Chan's well-choreographed movements were picture-perfect for the instant replay cameras and for the audience, but they were almost ineffective against Smith's scrappy street fighting approach. Neither celebrity was able to make any sort of destructive headway against the other, so a timeout was called. During the timeout, their agents ran to the cage and tried to give them the best advice on how to win the match. When the match restarted it was almost as if Smith had a hitch in his giddy-up or that he had about seven pounds of lead in each shoe. Smith's new found lethargy gave Chan the opportunity of a lifetime to end Smith's lifetime. Three flying kicks and a roundhouse to the face later, Smith was dead. But it's not all bad, boys and girls. Smith's outstanding performances in the first and second rounds should inspire younger generations to fight. Hopefully, for the sake of being interesting, Smith's legacy will inspire good boys and bad boys, too.
Would Rick roll to another surprising victory, or would Liz sock it to him? It turns out, the British musician isn't very good at fighting, but he is very good at breaking his promises. Yes, that's right folks, Rick Astley gave up, let us all down, ran around, and hurt us. He sure made me cry, too. Liz Heisler was armed and dangerous today; she brought the argyle socks. The match began at the keyboard, where Astley and Heisler took turns in a piano-off competition. When it was determined that the two competitors were evenly matched, the judges ruled that they would actually have to fight to the death. Astley decided that the best way to kill the Hillcrest freshman one of his lesser-known, less-than-hit songs to her, causing her to attempt suicide. However, after twenty years, even Rick Astley didn't remember any other songs Rick Astley sang. Liz used this moment of amnesia to stuff her patterned weapon down the singer's throat, where the sock met those heavenly vocal folds that have serenaded the interwebs for several years now. The official Fight of the Day footage of Astley's death is expected to become the next obnoxious meme born of the Internet.
Who's up next? Heavens to Betsy, it's Captain America and the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog! And look out, here come Gollum and Socrates! See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Round Two comes to a close!
Three in four fighters that have taken to the cage to this point have perished! Sixteen competitors remain. Which four made the cut today to round out the Sweet Sixteen?
After a fairly easy opening match against Charlie the Unicorn, Optimus Prime didn't really need all the time he had to recharge. His opponent, slow-speaking John Wayne, could have used a longer rest period. The Academy Award-winning actor barely even had time to eat a healthy breakfast of pancakes and True Grits in his time between matches. As the Duke moseyed toward the center of the cage, asserting himself as a formidable opponent, Optimus Prime took a single, giant stride to meet the oncoming cowboy. When they met in the middle, John Wayne drew his weapon from his holster, revealing it to be his one and only Academy Award. Thinking he could somehow inflict enough damage to defeat Optimus Prime, Wayne began "beatin' the livin' tar" out of the robot. Upon noticing the tiniest of dents in his armor, the Autobot pummeled John Wayne into the cage floor. And that's how the match was won.
At the onset of today's match, the Lorax brought an important fact to the Fight of the Day administration's attention. That fact? There are no trees in or around the Fight of the Day arena. All of them have been logged for more profitable purposes. This made the Lorax both sad and angry, so he chose to lash out and attempt to kill Stephen Hawking. Will all of the fictitious speed of a Dr. Seuss character, the Lorax seized control of Hawking's high-tech wheelchair and sent it careening about the cage. Unable to guide his path, the acclaimed theoretical scientist just did his best to hold on and wait it out. Upon colliding with the side of the cage, one of Hawking's wheels freed itself and set off to take revenge against the Lorax. The wheel went straight for the anti-logging figure and unsheathed its several blades before cleaving the mustachioed tree hugger in twain.
Joan of Arc, clad in her battle armor, looked to be a tough antagonist for the 79-year old Sir Thomas Sean Connery, clad in his sweater-vest and other retirement garb. Joan raised her sword, calling out to God to allow her to strike down the Scot for his wrongs against France. Confused as to what those wrongs were, Connery quietly but convincingly impugned upon Joan's mother. This sent the rebel into a paroxysm of tears, leaving her open to attack. Connery then garfunkled the poor French teenager until she died of shock.
In preparation for the 404th anniversary of this famous plot, Guy Fawkes rigged most of the arena to blow. When radio commentator Rush Limbaugh showed up, he was in the middle of spouting off right-wing, conservative nutjob-isms that were so inflammatory that he ignited the fuse to Fawkes' explosives. The resulting explosion killed Limbaugh, releasing all of the Republican's hot air into the atmosphere. The toxic speech that had long inhabited the failed NFL franchise owner spread across the audience, infecting a least a dozen people and sparking riots and tea parties among others.
So there you have it! The Sweet Sixteen kicks off today with two match-ups: Jackie Chan versus Will Smith and Rick Astley versus Liz Heisler!
After a fairly easy opening match against Charlie the Unicorn, Optimus Prime didn't really need all the time he had to recharge. His opponent, slow-speaking John Wayne, could have used a longer rest period. The Academy Award-winning actor barely even had time to eat a healthy breakfast of pancakes and True Grits in his time between matches. As the Duke moseyed toward the center of the cage, asserting himself as a formidable opponent, Optimus Prime took a single, giant stride to meet the oncoming cowboy. When they met in the middle, John Wayne drew his weapon from his holster, revealing it to be his one and only Academy Award. Thinking he could somehow inflict enough damage to defeat Optimus Prime, Wayne began "beatin' the livin' tar" out of the robot. Upon noticing the tiniest of dents in his armor, the Autobot pummeled John Wayne into the cage floor. And that's how the match was won.
At the onset of today's match, the Lorax brought an important fact to the Fight of the Day administration's attention. That fact? There are no trees in or around the Fight of the Day arena. All of them have been logged for more profitable purposes. This made the Lorax both sad and angry, so he chose to lash out and attempt to kill Stephen Hawking. Will all of the fictitious speed of a Dr. Seuss character, the Lorax seized control of Hawking's high-tech wheelchair and sent it careening about the cage. Unable to guide his path, the acclaimed theoretical scientist just did his best to hold on and wait it out. Upon colliding with the side of the cage, one of Hawking's wheels freed itself and set off to take revenge against the Lorax. The wheel went straight for the anti-logging figure and unsheathed its several blades before cleaving the mustachioed tree hugger in twain.
Joan of Arc, clad in her battle armor, looked to be a tough antagonist for the 79-year old Sir Thomas Sean Connery, clad in his sweater-vest and other retirement garb. Joan raised her sword, calling out to God to allow her to strike down the Scot for his wrongs against France. Confused as to what those wrongs were, Connery quietly but convincingly impugned upon Joan's mother. This sent the rebel into a paroxysm of tears, leaving her open to attack. Connery then garfunkled the poor French teenager until she died of shock.
In preparation for the 404th anniversary of this famous plot, Guy Fawkes rigged most of the arena to blow. When radio commentator Rush Limbaugh showed up, he was in the middle of spouting off right-wing, conservative nutjob-isms that were so inflammatory that he ignited the fuse to Fawkes' explosives. The resulting explosion killed Limbaugh, releasing all of the Republican's hot air into the atmosphere. The toxic speech that had long inhabited the failed NFL franchise owner spread across the audience, infecting a least a dozen people and sparking riots and tea parties among others.
So there you have it! The Sweet Sixteen kicks off today with two match-ups: Jackie Chan versus Will Smith and Rick Astley versus Liz Heisler!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Round Two WEST Results!
Innovation, that's what the Fight of the Day 5 is about. Innovation and factualcy. That's factual accuracy, folks. Learn it, know it, live it. Factualcy.
In the spirit of innovation, the commissioner has chosen to deliver the James Bond-Elmo match with accompanying video. The match was fairly lengthy, considering Elmo had no chance of overcoming Bond's incendiary attack. The match went something like this. Those dying giggles will haunt the Fight of the Day arena for years to come.
Christina McIntyre, a force to be reckoned with, rode her trusty bicycle into the cage for her second round fight against Tyler Durden. At the onset of the match, the fighting consisted mostly of punches, kicks, and scholarship applications. When these methods of mayhem failed to produce a clear winner, McIntyre once again mounted her bike and pedaled headlong into Durden. At the very last second, the Fight Club co-founder jumped out of the way and loudly proclaimed, "I just don't want to apply for that Rhodes Scholarship!" This befuddled the Honors staffer so much that she crashed her bike headlong into the cage wall. After sustaining near-fatal injuries McIntyre dragged herself toward the cage door and made her exit, forfeiting the match to Tyler Durden.
Although both competitors arrived in similar colors, the differences between Joseph Stalin and Boba Fett could not have been more stark. The Georgia-born Soviet first tried to hire a bounty hunter to kill his opponent, only to realize that the best of the best was standing opposite him in the cage. To display his status as the best, the clone in Mandolorian armor fired two poison darts into Stalin's neck. Little did Fett know, Stalin was known for his Great Purge ability, which made him invulnerable to blood-borne pathogens. Stalin's counterattack also failed, since he had neither secret police nor the gulag at his disposal. The General Secretary of the Communist Party was running out of options. As he tried to come up with an equally horrible and painful death for Boba Fett, the bounty hunter was able to build, test, and activate a carbonite-freezing unit in the cage. Stalin soon found himself inside the unit and dying of shock upon reaching carbonite hibernation.
With her telepathic abilities, Jean Grey was instantly able to discern her opponent's biggest weakness. Armed with this knowledge, she stole Gary Riggins' spectacles, making him both blind and hilarious. The quiet Hillcrestacean chased the powerful mutant around the cage, trying to coerce her with nothing but a bag of popcorn. Growing tired of this nonsense, Grey turned around to face Riggins, and in a split second tore apart the very matter that comprised the multilingual civil engineer's person. All that was left at the close of the match were the stolen glasses that started all of the action.
Round Two wraps up after four more matches! Who will win in matches featuring Optimus Prime and John Wayne, Stephen Hawking and the Lorax, Joan of Arc and Sean Connery, and finally Rush Limbaugh and Guy Fawkes? Stay tuned to find out!
Interested in more innovation? Interested in staying tuned? If you answered "yes" to either of those questions, then check us out on Twitter (@fightoftheday)!
In the spirit of innovation, the commissioner has chosen to deliver the James Bond-Elmo match with accompanying video. The match was fairly lengthy, considering Elmo had no chance of overcoming Bond's incendiary attack. The match went something like this. Those dying giggles will haunt the Fight of the Day arena for years to come.
Christina McIntyre, a force to be reckoned with, rode her trusty bicycle into the cage for her second round fight against Tyler Durden. At the onset of the match, the fighting consisted mostly of punches, kicks, and scholarship applications. When these methods of mayhem failed to produce a clear winner, McIntyre once again mounted her bike and pedaled headlong into Durden. At the very last second, the Fight Club co-founder jumped out of the way and loudly proclaimed, "I just don't want to apply for that Rhodes Scholarship!" This befuddled the Honors staffer so much that she crashed her bike headlong into the cage wall. After sustaining near-fatal injuries McIntyre dragged herself toward the cage door and made her exit, forfeiting the match to Tyler Durden.
Although both competitors arrived in similar colors, the differences between Joseph Stalin and Boba Fett could not have been more stark. The Georgia-born Soviet first tried to hire a bounty hunter to kill his opponent, only to realize that the best of the best was standing opposite him in the cage. To display his status as the best, the clone in Mandolorian armor fired two poison darts into Stalin's neck. Little did Fett know, Stalin was known for his Great Purge ability, which made him invulnerable to blood-borne pathogens. Stalin's counterattack also failed, since he had neither secret police nor the gulag at his disposal. The General Secretary of the Communist Party was running out of options. As he tried to come up with an equally horrible and painful death for Boba Fett, the bounty hunter was able to build, test, and activate a carbonite-freezing unit in the cage. Stalin soon found himself inside the unit and dying of shock upon reaching carbonite hibernation.
With her telepathic abilities, Jean Grey was instantly able to discern her opponent's biggest weakness. Armed with this knowledge, she stole Gary Riggins' spectacles, making him both blind and hilarious. The quiet Hillcrestacean chased the powerful mutant around the cage, trying to coerce her with nothing but a bag of popcorn. Growing tired of this nonsense, Grey turned around to face Riggins, and in a split second tore apart the very matter that comprised the multilingual civil engineer's person. All that was left at the close of the match were the stolen glasses that started all of the action.
Round Two wraps up after four more matches! Who will win in matches featuring Optimus Prime and John Wayne, Stephen Hawking and the Lorax, Joan of Arc and Sean Connery, and finally Rush Limbaugh and Guy Fawkes? Stay tuned to find out!
Interested in more innovation? Interested in staying tuned? If you answered "yes" to either of those questions, then check us out on Twitter (@fightoftheday)!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Who made it to the Sweet 16? Round Two continues!
All of today's matches were blowouts - some of them literally. So how did things go? Read on!
Because he decided to grab lunch at West End before coming to the match, Captain America was about five minutes late to the fight. He was so bedraggled that he even forgot to shine his shield, and brought it to the duel dirty and unkempt. Billy Mays had the perfect product to fix that! One can of Kaboom! took the spots right out. Mays was already digging himself a hole in this match; it was almost as if he had a quality but affordable tool for excavation. When Captain America launched his shield at the pitchman, there was no escape. Billy Mays' Tool Band-it drew the careening death-disc right to him, bisecting the poor man's body. This just in: for the recap of just one match, the Fight of the Day will give you TWO halves of Billy Mays FOR FREE plus the cost of shipping and handling!
In a contest that really was no contest, the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog quickly and easily took care of Oscar the Grouch. Oscar thought he could simply waltz up to the cage and dispatch the bunny without incident. With "Killer" in his name, it was not surprising that the rabbit leaped up swiftly and slashed the Grouch's trash can to bits. With nowhere to live, and nowhere to hide, Oscar was left defenseless against the Killer Rabbit's onslaught of buck teeth. With his last words, Oscar bade farewell to his one and only friend, Slimey the worm.
Sadly, readers, Hillcrest Hall lost its first competitor in this Fight of the Day tournament today. Heejun Choi was ill-prepared for his battle against Socrates. Choi's usual homophobic hug-attack failed immediately when the philosopher reminded the would-be chemist of the types of relationships that a lot of men in ancient Greece would be involved in. Sufficiently grossed out by the elderly Greek philosopher's advances, Heejun tried to flee, only to find that he was locked in the cage. Socrates took this opportunity to corrupt the mind of the Hillcrest youth, to the point that Heejun drew out a beaker of sulfuric acid and poured it in his own ear. As the acid ate through Choi's skull and eventually his brain, he danced the Heejun Dance and awaited his own impending death. Hours later, he finally collapsed and died from exhaustion and the lack of complete brain function.
Mother Goose and Gollum went into the cage,
To see who could kill the other.
After rounds two and three,
No one could possibly see.
The dust and the dirt were flying,
We could all hear Gollum a-crying.
Then the Goose fell down,
And broke her crown.
(It turns out, breaking one's crown is a fatal injury in the rhyming world, so Mother Goose has been eliminated from the tournament. And all she got was this poorly written little poem.)
Will either of the Hillcrestaceans fighting today avenge the death of Heejun Choi? Stay tuned to see if Christina McIntyre can finish off Tyler Durden or if Gary Riggins can put it to Jean Grey. Other matches include James Bond versus Elmo, and Joseph Stalin against Boba Fett!
Because he decided to grab lunch at West End before coming to the match, Captain America was about five minutes late to the fight. He was so bedraggled that he even forgot to shine his shield, and brought it to the duel dirty and unkempt. Billy Mays had the perfect product to fix that! One can of Kaboom! took the spots right out. Mays was already digging himself a hole in this match; it was almost as if he had a quality but affordable tool for excavation. When Captain America launched his shield at the pitchman, there was no escape. Billy Mays' Tool Band-it drew the careening death-disc right to him, bisecting the poor man's body. This just in: for the recap of just one match, the Fight of the Day will give you TWO halves of Billy Mays FOR FREE plus the cost of shipping and handling!
In a contest that really was no contest, the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog quickly and easily took care of Oscar the Grouch. Oscar thought he could simply waltz up to the cage and dispatch the bunny without incident. With "Killer" in his name, it was not surprising that the rabbit leaped up swiftly and slashed the Grouch's trash can to bits. With nowhere to live, and nowhere to hide, Oscar was left defenseless against the Killer Rabbit's onslaught of buck teeth. With his last words, Oscar bade farewell to his one and only friend, Slimey the worm.
Sadly, readers, Hillcrest Hall lost its first competitor in this Fight of the Day tournament today. Heejun Choi was ill-prepared for his battle against Socrates. Choi's usual homophobic hug-attack failed immediately when the philosopher reminded the would-be chemist of the types of relationships that a lot of men in ancient Greece would be involved in. Sufficiently grossed out by the elderly Greek philosopher's advances, Heejun tried to flee, only to find that he was locked in the cage. Socrates took this opportunity to corrupt the mind of the Hillcrest youth, to the point that Heejun drew out a beaker of sulfuric acid and poured it in his own ear. As the acid ate through Choi's skull and eventually his brain, he danced the Heejun Dance and awaited his own impending death. Hours later, he finally collapsed and died from exhaustion and the lack of complete brain function.
Mother Goose and Gollum went into the cage,
To see who could kill the other.
After rounds two and three,
No one could possibly see.
The dust and the dirt were flying,
We could all hear Gollum a-crying.
Then the Goose fell down,
And broke her crown.
(It turns out, breaking one's crown is a fatal injury in the rhyming world, so Mother Goose has been eliminated from the tournament. And all she got was this poorly written little poem.)
Will either of the Hillcrestaceans fighting today avenge the death of Heejun Choi? Stay tuned to see if Christina McIntyre can finish off Tyler Durden or if Gary Riggins can put it to Jean Grey. Other matches include James Bond versus Elmo, and Joseph Stalin against Boba Fett!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Round Two is Here!
Round Two kicked off today, and four competitors kicked the bucket! Read on!
Today's match versus Jackie Chan really showed off Wall-E's shortcomings. Without the command of over 6 million forms of communication, Wall-E could not understand the words that were coming out of Chan's mouth. Without the speed of a U.S. Robotics and Mechanical Men Corporation product, he was unable to escape Chan's onslaught. And without the power to right himself after an intense attack, Wall-E was left helpless as Chan pummeled him to death with bare fists.
Over the years, the Headless Horseman had managed to claim hundreds, if not thousands, of victims that unsuspectingly crossed his bridge on All Hallow's Eve. In another mix-up of dates on the part of the Fight of the Day staff, he fought this time on All Souls' Day, one day late. This really through the decapitated rider for a loop, causing him to come down with a bad head cold, which in turn made him feel very lightheaded. This made it very easy for Will Smith dismantle the Horseman's garb and unravel him as a myth, much as one would a cartoonish mummy. It seems that Mr. Smith will be headed into the Sweet Sixteen for another head-to-head match up later this week!
For his wonderful stage and movie productions of Shakespeare, Kenneth Branagh was chosen by Queen Elizabeth II to be named a Commander of the British Empire. The actor and director, feeling unworthy, chose to decline. This incensed his countryman Rick Astley, who decided that declining an order of the British Empire was punishable by death. Astley decked Branagh and killed him with one hit. It's a wonder Branagh didn't hang around to die a Shakespearean death.
It would seem that a mere freshman girl at Virginia Tech wouldn't stand a Tribble's chance in space against seasoned, time-traveling Captain James Tiberius Kirk, but then again, Mother Goose did beat Ivan the Terrible. Anything can happen, readers. Captain Kirk, as per his personal style, first tried to woo Liz Heisler, who gracefully, yet forcefully, declined. With his normal approach thwarted, Kirk set his phaser to stun and fired. When this also failed, the green-clad captain cast his weapon aside, failing to realize that "stun" was not the only setting on his phaser. With his charm and weapons defeated, Kirk was running out of options. While the dumbfounded captain tried to reason things out, Heisler smartly spotted the captain's jacket zipper (even though his uniform is all "one piece") and removed Kirk's vestments. Revealed as a fraud, Kirk left the arena to enter the Nexus. The Fight of the Day Selection Committee will revisit the issue of James T. Kirk's participation in roughly 78 years.
Whew! Round Two continues today with West Region action featuring Captain America and Billy Mays, the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and Oscar the Grouch, Heejun Choi and Socrates, and Gollum versus Mother Goose!
Today's match versus Jackie Chan really showed off Wall-E's shortcomings. Without the command of over 6 million forms of communication, Wall-E could not understand the words that were coming out of Chan's mouth. Without the speed of a U.S. Robotics and Mechanical Men Corporation product, he was unable to escape Chan's onslaught. And without the power to right himself after an intense attack, Wall-E was left helpless as Chan pummeled him to death with bare fists.
Over the years, the Headless Horseman had managed to claim hundreds, if not thousands, of victims that unsuspectingly crossed his bridge on All Hallow's Eve. In another mix-up of dates on the part of the Fight of the Day staff, he fought this time on All Souls' Day, one day late. This really through the decapitated rider for a loop, causing him to come down with a bad head cold, which in turn made him feel very lightheaded. This made it very easy for Will Smith dismantle the Horseman's garb and unravel him as a myth, much as one would a cartoonish mummy. It seems that Mr. Smith will be headed into the Sweet Sixteen for another head-to-head match up later this week!
For his wonderful stage and movie productions of Shakespeare, Kenneth Branagh was chosen by Queen Elizabeth II to be named a Commander of the British Empire. The actor and director, feeling unworthy, chose to decline. This incensed his countryman Rick Astley, who decided that declining an order of the British Empire was punishable by death. Astley decked Branagh and killed him with one hit. It's a wonder Branagh didn't hang around to die a Shakespearean death.
It would seem that a mere freshman girl at Virginia Tech wouldn't stand a Tribble's chance in space against seasoned, time-traveling Captain James Tiberius Kirk, but then again, Mother Goose did beat Ivan the Terrible. Anything can happen, readers. Captain Kirk, as per his personal style, first tried to woo Liz Heisler, who gracefully, yet forcefully, declined. With his normal approach thwarted, Kirk set his phaser to stun and fired. When this also failed, the green-clad captain cast his weapon aside, failing to realize that "stun" was not the only setting on his phaser. With his charm and weapons defeated, Kirk was running out of options. While the dumbfounded captain tried to reason things out, Heisler smartly spotted the captain's jacket zipper (even though his uniform is all "one piece") and removed Kirk's vestments. Revealed as a fraud, Kirk left the arena to enter the Nexus. The Fight of the Day Selection Committee will revisit the issue of James T. Kirk's participation in roughly 78 years.
Whew! Round Two continues today with West Region action featuring Captain America and Billy Mays, the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and Oscar the Grouch, Heejun Choi and Socrates, and Gollum versus Mother Goose!
Most Belated Round One Results
Long time, no see, readers! Let's end this death match hiatus with a short account of the action that happened in last week's matches!
Joan of Arc(6) was led by God into her match against ACME patron Wile E. Coyote(11). It was widely accepted that the wild, animated canine would hold a distinct advantage in this fight, despite his seeding. Why, you ask? Because Joan of Arc had exactly zero fighting experience before being called by the Lord to compete. The wily coyote attempted first to finish off the French woman by painting a large, red "X" on the cage floor, hoping to drop an anvil on her. This backfired, however, when Wile E. Coyote found himself standing on a similar "X," formed by the crosshatches of the cage floor. In his attempt to run away from the falling anvil, the hugely unsuccessful hunter of roadrunners ran off the edge of a cliff, where he fell, and true to the laws of physics, hit the ground with enough force to obliterate his innards and end his cartoonish struggle once and for all.
Frosty the Snowman(14) was out early this year, even before the first snowfall! It turns out, he would also be out of the Fight of the Day early, even before the first round was over! Sean Connery(4), perennial Celebrity Jeopardy! contestant and renowned actor, simply removed the snowman's magical hat and the Christmas friend melted away, leaving nothing but a corncob pipe, a button nose, and a very large puddle on the cage floor.
Megan Fox(10) showed up prepared to fight Rush Limbaugh(7) in the next first round match. She had recently been possessed by a demon, giving her all sorts of enhanced abilities for the murder of others, especially male others. The first few minutes of the match consisted entirely of Limbaugh preaching about the "conservative right" and Fox twiddling her toethumbs. As soon as Rush paused for station identification, Fox lunged at him, hoping to rip out his heart and feed on his human flesh. This backfired, however, when Limbaugh for some reason stabbed Fox in the heart with a box cutter, ending the average, unexciting, and less-than-stellar movie...I mean, match.
Many Fight of the Day fans and authorities were worried that Guy Fawkes(2) would not fight his match on November 5. I mean, shouldn't Christopher Columbus fight on the second Monday of October? Would this chronological mishap create an opening for Shirley Temple(15) to upset this side of the bracket, as Mother Goose did last week? Keep reading! Temple tap danced her way into the arena, singing cute little songs about cute little things, her curls bobbing all the while. Fawkes, having failed in his attempt to destroy the Houses of Parliament so many years ago, opted for a much more straightforward approach against Shirley Temple. With all the swiftness 17th century garb would allow, Fawkes soared across the cage and beat Temple to death with an ironic lollipop.
Jackie Chan and Wall-E lead off today's matches, with the Headless Horseman and Will Smith to follow! Round Two then continues today with Kenneth Branagh fighting Rick Astley, and Liz Heisler fighting Captain Kirk! Stay tuned!
Joan of Arc(6) was led by God into her match against ACME patron Wile E. Coyote(11). It was widely accepted that the wild, animated canine would hold a distinct advantage in this fight, despite his seeding. Why, you ask? Because Joan of Arc had exactly zero fighting experience before being called by the Lord to compete. The wily coyote attempted first to finish off the French woman by painting a large, red "X" on the cage floor, hoping to drop an anvil on her. This backfired, however, when Wile E. Coyote found himself standing on a similar "X," formed by the crosshatches of the cage floor. In his attempt to run away from the falling anvil, the hugely unsuccessful hunter of roadrunners ran off the edge of a cliff, where he fell, and true to the laws of physics, hit the ground with enough force to obliterate his innards and end his cartoonish struggle once and for all.
Frosty the Snowman(14) was out early this year, even before the first snowfall! It turns out, he would also be out of the Fight of the Day early, even before the first round was over! Sean Connery(4), perennial Celebrity Jeopardy! contestant and renowned actor, simply removed the snowman's magical hat and the Christmas friend melted away, leaving nothing but a corncob pipe, a button nose, and a very large puddle on the cage floor.
Megan Fox(10) showed up prepared to fight Rush Limbaugh(7) in the next first round match. She had recently been possessed by a demon, giving her all sorts of enhanced abilities for the murder of others, especially male others. The first few minutes of the match consisted entirely of Limbaugh preaching about the "conservative right" and Fox twiddling her toethumbs. As soon as Rush paused for station identification, Fox lunged at him, hoping to rip out his heart and feed on his human flesh. This backfired, however, when Limbaugh for some reason stabbed Fox in the heart with a box cutter, ending the average, unexciting, and less-than-stellar movie...I mean, match.
Many Fight of the Day fans and authorities were worried that Guy Fawkes(2) would not fight his match on November 5. I mean, shouldn't Christopher Columbus fight on the second Monday of October? Would this chronological mishap create an opening for Shirley Temple(15) to upset this side of the bracket, as Mother Goose did last week? Keep reading! Temple tap danced her way into the arena, singing cute little songs about cute little things, her curls bobbing all the while. Fawkes, having failed in his attempt to destroy the Houses of Parliament so many years ago, opted for a much more straightforward approach against Shirley Temple. With all the swiftness 17th century garb would allow, Fawkes soared across the cage and beat Temple to death with an ironic lollipop.
Jackie Chan and Wall-E lead off today's matches, with the Headless Horseman and Will Smith to follow! Round Two then continues today with Kenneth Branagh fighting Rick Astley, and Liz Heisler fighting Captain Kirk! Stay tuned!
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