Most Belated Round One Results

Long time, no see, readers! Let's end this death match hiatus with a short account of the action that happened in last week's matches!

Joan of Arc(6) was led by God into her match against ACME patron Wile E. Coyote(11). It was widely accepted that the wild, animated canine would hold a distinct advantage in this fight, despite his seeding. Why, you ask? Because Joan of Arc had exactly zero fighting experience before being called by the Lord to compete. The wily coyote attempted first to finish off the French woman by painting a large, red "X" on the cage floor, hoping to drop an anvil on her. This backfired, however, when Wile E. Coyote found himself standing on a similar "X," formed by the crosshatches of the cage floor. In his attempt to run away from the falling anvil, the hugely unsuccessful hunter of roadrunners ran off the edge of a cliff, where he fell, and true to the laws of physics, hit the ground with enough force to obliterate his innards and end his cartoonish struggle once and for all.

Frosty the Snowman(14) was out early this year, even before the first snowfall! It turns out, he would also be out of the Fight of the Day early, even before the first round was over! Sean Connery(4), perennial Celebrity Jeopardy! contestant and renowned actor, simply removed the snowman's magical hat and the Christmas friend melted away, leaving nothing but a corncob pipe, a button nose, and a very large puddle on the cage floor.

Megan Fox(10) showed up prepared to fight Rush Limbaugh(7) in the next first round match. She had recently been possessed by a demon, giving her all sorts of enhanced abilities for the murder of others, especially male others. The first few minutes of the match consisted entirely of Limbaugh preaching about the "conservative right" and Fox twiddling her toethumbs. As soon as Rush paused for station identification, Fox lunged at him, hoping to rip out his heart and feed on his human flesh. This backfired, however, when Limbaugh for some reason stabbed Fox in the heart with a box cutter, ending the average, unexciting, and less-than-stellar movie...I mean, match.

Many Fight of the Day fans and authorities were worried that Guy Fawkes(2) would not fight his match on November 5. I mean, shouldn't Christopher Columbus fight on the second Monday of October? Would this chronological mishap create an opening for Shirley Temple(15) to upset this side of the bracket, as Mother Goose did last week? Keep reading! Temple tap danced her way into the arena, singing cute little songs about cute little things, her curls bobbing all the while. Fawkes, having failed in his attempt to destroy the Houses of Parliament so many years ago, opted for a much more straightforward approach against Shirley Temple. With all the swiftness 17th century garb would allow, Fawkes soared across the cage and beat Temple to death with an ironic lollipop.

Jackie Chan and Wall-E lead off today's matches, with the Headless Horseman and Will Smith to follow! Round Two then continues today with Kenneth Branagh fighting Rick Astley, and Liz Heisler fighting Captain Kirk! Stay tuned!