Round One: Four More Fights!

Today's matches are brought to you by Llamas with Hats.

The most intense fight of today happened during our first competition. Flash character Charlie the Unicorn(16) put up a freakishly good fight against the huge, butt-kicking robot Optimus Prime(1). At first, Optimus was thrown for a loop by Charlie's strange bouts of singing and communication with extinct reptiles. This allowed the obnoxious unicorn to strike Optimus in the Allspark, knocking him to the ground. However, this didn't last long. After one swift blow, the unicorn was on the ground, feeling as if he had been hit by a truck. It was only when he looked up and saw the robot in disguise careening toward him for a second and final collision.

As tumbleweeds rolled about the cage, legendary actor John Wayne(8) entered the cage. He had been called into town to stop a fella known as the "Burger King(9)." Turns out, this interloper had been comin' into town, stealin' away cows and makin' 'em into delicious patties of beef topped with various vegetables. The town-folk wouldn't have it, so they called the baddest cowboy of 'em all. When John Wayne found the Burger King in a pasture, he called, "Hey there...fella! Why...don't we head down...to the....saloon?" The King only stared blankly and very creepily. John Wayne tried to verbally communicate twice more unsuccessfully before saying, "Fine then....Have it your...way!" and shooting the King with his six-shooter.

Wheelchair-bound physicist Stephen Hawking(5) fought a very controversial match against former president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter(12). At the onset of the match, Hawking gave a brief account of all time and space. Jimmy Carter just happened to walk in at the same moment that Hawking mentioned black holes. Incensed, Carter immediately decried Hawking's life's work as racist and that the world should disregard him entirely. During this frivolous exposition, Stephen Hawking used his ultimate knowledge to open up a wormhole underneath Carter's feet. Upon his sudden departure from the cage, Carter was disqualified for leaving the arena. It is assumed that he is either somewhere outside the Milky Way, or more likely very dead.

Today's final match was conducted in the form of a short three-act tragicomedy. In the first act, Dr. Horrible(4) began the utter decimation of the area's forests, to which the Lorax (13) did not take kindly. Act I left us hanging with the Lorax wondering what to do next. As the second act began, Dr. Horrible was posting a new entry on his vlog, letting everyone know what his next act of evil would be; all the while, the Lorax was planning something. In the third and final act, Horrible, armed with his death ray, faced off against his nemesis, the Lorax. What he didn't expect, however was just what happened. The Lorax, now accompanied by an aresenal of environmentalism blogs, led a cyber-attack on Horrible's blog, crashing it. The pain at losing his blog brought back memories of the accidental killing of his beloved, and the Emmy Award-winning villain offed himself by inhaling the fumes of his wonderflonium.

TUESDAY! TUESDAY! Round One finishes up today! Joan of Arc and Wile E. Coyote vie for life, while Sean Connery will tussle with Frosty the Snowman, Rush Limbaugh tries to squash Megan Fox, and Guy Fawkes takes on Shirley Temple.