These upsets have the Administration worried! Round One continues.

Round One is half over! Pretty soon, we'll start seeing some folks fight their second match! In fact, if you read on, a friend from the play-in game might have a fight coming up...

Super-American Stephen Colbert(6) came to the match today armed only with his glasses, suit, and patriotism. His love for America and the fact that he exudes red-state awesome from his very pores would be more than enough to take care of his Hillcrestacean opponent, Heejun Choi(11). It turns out, however, that Mr. Choi can handle quite a bit. After being berated for several minutes at the interview table, Choi simply laughed off Colbert's acerbic statements. After this repartee, Choi simply hugged the homophobic Colbert to death. Seriously, this hug lasted a good five minutes. By the end, there wasn't much left of the Comedy Central star, other than his glasses and suit.

In what has been dubbed the most ironic match result yet, the Survivorman didn't survive. That's right folks, Les Stroud(3) lost his life at the questioning hands of the philosopher Socrates(14). Unaccustomed to traveling anywhere with another person, Stroud placed his cameras as usual and began to reconnoiter about the cage in search of materials to build a shelter. Socrates opened up a can of Method and asked Stroud a serious of questions, treating each successive question not as an inquiry, but an answer. This drove Stroud absolutely bonkers, to the point that he intentionally canceled his Discovery Channel show by stabbing himself in the face with his overly large knife.

Gollum(7) took to the cage first, ambling about the cage on all fours, as he is prone to do. Soon though, Steve Jobs(10) entered the area, wearing his characteristic black mock-turtleneck and blue jeans, carrying no weapons other than a brand new iPhone. The audience immediately roared with applause as Jobs began to speak. Gollum was not prepared, nor in the mood for a keynote address, and began thrashing about in Jobs' direction. Gollum's sputtering and flailing knocked the iPhone out of Jobs' hand, at which point he became very haggard and aged. With his source of all power and energy tossed away, the demigod of computer technology could only stand there hunched over and take Gollum's attack like a Mac...I mean, man. With his last breath, Jobs said, not ironically, "Ouch."

In the biggest and stupidest upset that the Fight of the Day has ever seen, a hugely under-qualified nursery rhyme figure defeated one of the most notoriously evil murderers in Russian History. Those of us here still can't believe that Mother Goose(15) could have had the power to disembowel Tsar Ivan the Terrible(2). However, video replay shows only a could of dust stirred up by Mother Goose's wings. As the cloud settles, a mass of human flesh only marginally resembling the Russian ruler appears. With Ivan dead, Mother Goose was declared the winner, even if no one knows how she could have possibly won the match.

Play-in winner Helen Keller faces 007 James Bond today! Other matches include Elmo versus Conan O'Brien, Honors staffer Christina McIntyre fights Hamburglar, and Tyler Durden takes on Dr. Seuss. Stay tuned!