More Round One: RIP Kanye

Who needs introductory remarks? Let's just get to the important stuff!

Everyone assumed that Godzilla(3) would have little trouble with one-hit wonder Rick Astley(14). Boy were they wrong. Godzilla had an incredibly difficult time working his way into the cage without incinerating the entire audience. (Note: Fight of the Day is not responsible for the occasional injury and/or death as a result of audience attendance.) Astley immediately Rick Roll'd the entirety of the arena, rendering Godzilla speechless, as he had never seen someone speak English without comically poor dubbing. This moment of confusion gave Astley the opportunity to bust out some sick dance moves and very painfully end the giant lizard's slow, destructive rampage to the title.

Earlier today, the Internet was abuzz with reports that Kanye West(6) had died. In fact, the superstar had not died, but was simply super early for his cage match against actor-director Kenneth Branagh(11). When West arrived, the previous match was still under way, but West politely told the competitors, "Imma let you finish." Once inside the arena, West used his previously displayed stun attack, hoping it would work as well against the Irishman as it did against Canadian Mike Myers. The attack worked so well that Branagh immediately lapsed into the death scene from Hamlet. Kanye West proceeded to self-destruct, much like his career. Kenneth Branagh was nominated for three Oscars for his performance in today's match.

Before her match against Cookie Monster(7), Hillcrestacean Liz Heisler(10) underwent a considerable battery of tests to assure her victory. After it was determined that her CCR (Cookie Constitution Rating) was low enough to protect her from certain nomming, she took to the cage with the puppet. Devoid of all cookie-like objects, the Sesame Street resident acted out with all the rage his puppeteer could muster. Wire-operated arms flailed about at his freshman opponent, causing absolutely no damage whatsoever. When Heisler realized that Cookie Monster was basically just a giant sock, she grabbed him, balled him up, and assassinated him.

Ace Ventura(15) suspected immediately after his selection that Captain Kirk(2) had done wrong to the Tribbles aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise. The pet detective began his offensive with a flying kick, but in fine slapstick form, fell several yards short of his target. Kirk chuckled quietly to himself, and instinctively tapped his communicator to tell Mr. Spock what was up. Unfortunately, Spock did not respond because the Fight of the Day takes place in a total dead zone. Kirk then unleashed his entire repertoire of martial arts training. Before the audience knew it, Ventura was dead of massive contusions to the general body area. It seems highly unlikely that Ventura will get a sequel this time.

A quarter of the first round has been fought, with six more days of first round action ahead! Who will prevail in today's fights? Will it be Captain America or former British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain? International guru and educator John Boyer or Billy Mays? The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog or first female Secretary of State Madeleine Albright? Greg Boone or garbage-dwelling Oscar the Grouch? Tune in and see!