Who made it to the Sweet 16? Round Two continues!

All of today's matches were blowouts - some of them literally. So how did things go? Read on!

Because he decided to grab lunch at West End before coming to the match, Captain America was about five minutes late to the fight. He was so bedraggled that he even forgot to shine his shield, and brought it to the duel dirty and unkempt. Billy Mays had the perfect product to fix that! One can of Kaboom! took the spots right out. Mays was already digging himself a hole in this match; it was almost as if he had a quality but affordable tool for excavation. When Captain America launched his shield at the pitchman, there was no escape. Billy Mays' Tool Band-it drew the careening death-disc right to him, bisecting the poor man's body. This just in: for the recap of just one match, the Fight of the Day will give you TWO halves of Billy Mays FOR FREE plus the cost of shipping and handling!

In a contest that really was no contest, the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog quickly and easily took care of Oscar the Grouch. Oscar thought he could simply waltz up to the cage and dispatch the bunny without incident. With "Killer" in his name, it was not surprising that the rabbit leaped up swiftly and slashed the Grouch's trash can to bits. With nowhere to live, and nowhere to hide, Oscar was left defenseless against the Killer Rabbit's onslaught of buck teeth. With his last words, Oscar bade farewell to his one and only friend, Slimey the worm.

Sadly, readers, Hillcrest Hall lost its first competitor in this Fight of the Day tournament today. Heejun Choi was ill-prepared for his battle against Socrates. Choi's usual homophobic hug-attack failed immediately when the philosopher reminded the would-be chemist of the types of relationships that a lot of men in ancient Greece would be involved in. Sufficiently grossed out by the elderly Greek philosopher's advances, Heejun tried to flee, only to find that he was locked in the cage. Socrates took this opportunity to corrupt the mind of the Hillcrest youth, to the point that Heejun drew out a beaker of sulfuric acid and poured it in his own ear. As the acid ate through Choi's skull and eventually his brain, he danced the Heejun Dance and awaited his own impending death. Hours later, he finally collapsed and died from exhaustion and the lack of complete brain function.

Mother Goose and Gollum went into the cage,
To see who could kill the other.
After rounds two and three,
No one could possibly see.
The dust and the dirt were flying,
We could all hear Gollum a-crying.
Then the Goose fell down,
And broke her crown.
(It turns out, breaking one's crown is a fatal injury in the rhyming world, so Mother Goose has been eliminated from the tournament. And all she got was this poorly written little poem.)

Will either of the Hillcrestaceans fighting today avenge the death of Heejun Choi? Stay tuned to see if Christina McIntyre can finish off Tyler Durden or if Gary Riggins can put it to Jean Grey. Other matches include James Bond versus Elmo, and Joseph Stalin against Boba Fett!