Round Two is Here!

Round Two kicked off today, and four competitors kicked the bucket! Read on!

Today's match versus Jackie Chan really showed off Wall-E's shortcomings. Without the command of over 6 million forms of communication, Wall-E could not understand the words that were coming out of Chan's mouth. Without the speed of a U.S. Robotics and Mechanical Men Corporation product, he was unable to escape Chan's onslaught. And without the power to right himself after an intense attack, Wall-E was left helpless as Chan pummeled him to death with bare fists.

Over the years, the Headless Horseman had managed to claim hundreds, if not thousands, of victims that unsuspectingly crossed his bridge on All Hallow's Eve. In another mix-up of dates on the part of the Fight of the Day staff, he fought this time on All Souls' Day, one day late. This really through the decapitated rider for a loop, causing him to come down with a bad head cold, which in turn made him feel very lightheaded. This made it very easy for Will Smith dismantle the Horseman's garb and unravel him as a myth, much as one would a cartoonish mummy. It seems that Mr. Smith will be headed into the Sweet Sixteen for another head-to-head match up later this week!

For his wonderful stage and movie productions of Shakespeare, Kenneth Branagh was chosen by Queen Elizabeth II to be named a Commander of the British Empire. The actor and director, feeling unworthy, chose to decline. This incensed his countryman Rick Astley, who decided that declining an order of the British Empire was punishable by death. Astley decked Branagh and killed him with one hit. It's a wonder Branagh didn't hang around to die a Shakespearean death.

It would seem that a mere freshman girl at Virginia Tech wouldn't stand a Tribble's chance in space against seasoned, time-traveling Captain James Tiberius Kirk, but then again, Mother Goose did beat Ivan the Terrible. Anything can happen, readers. Captain Kirk, as per his personal style, first tried to woo Liz Heisler, who gracefully, yet forcefully, declined. With his normal approach thwarted, Kirk set his phaser to stun and fired. When this also failed, the green-clad captain cast his weapon aside, failing to realize that "stun" was not the only setting on his phaser. With his charm and weapons defeated, Kirk was running out of options. While the dumbfounded captain tried to reason things out, Heisler smartly spotted the captain's jacket zipper (even though his uniform is all "one piece") and removed Kirk's vestments. Revealed as a fraud, Kirk left the arena to enter the Nexus. The Fight of the Day Selection Committee will revisit the issue of James T. Kirk's participation in roughly 78 years.

Whew! Round Two continues today with West Region action featuring Captain America and Billy Mays, the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and Oscar the Grouch, Heejun Choi and Socrates, and Gollum versus Mother Goose!