Death Scenes and Maimed Memes: Sweet Sixteen Results!

The Sweet Sixteen fighters began the next step of their quest for glory today! Let's see how things went!

Kung fu master Jackie Chan and actor-singer-producer Will Smith took a break from their upcoming project to assail each other in the Fight of the Day cage. Upon their arrival, cage attendants rolled out a red carpet on which to amble into the arena. As the match began, Chan began to meditate, finding his center of strength, while Smith cracked his knuckles and flexed his biceps. After these pre-match rituals were complete, the fighting began. Chan's well-choreographed movements were picture-perfect for the instant replay cameras and for the audience, but they were almost ineffective against Smith's scrappy street fighting approach. Neither celebrity was able to make any sort of destructive headway against the other, so a timeout was called. During the timeout, their agents ran to the cage and tried to give them the best advice on how to win the match. When the match restarted it was almost as if Smith had a hitch in his giddy-up or that he had about seven pounds of lead in each shoe. Smith's new found lethargy gave Chan the opportunity of a lifetime to end Smith's lifetime. Three flying kicks and a roundhouse to the face later, Smith was dead. But it's not all bad, boys and girls. Smith's outstanding performances in the first and second rounds should inspire younger generations to fight. Hopefully, for the sake of being interesting, Smith's legacy will inspire good boys and bad boys, too.

Would Rick roll to another surprising victory, or would Liz sock it to him? It turns out, the British musician isn't very good at fighting, but he is very good at breaking his promises. Yes, that's right folks, Rick Astley gave up, let us all down, ran around, and hurt us. He sure made me cry, too. Liz Heisler was armed and dangerous today; she brought the argyle socks. The match began at the keyboard, where Astley and Heisler took turns in a piano-off competition. When it was determined that the two competitors were evenly matched, the judges ruled that they would actually have to fight to the death. Astley decided that the best way to kill the Hillcrest freshman one of his lesser-known, less-than-hit songs to her, causing her to attempt suicide. However, after twenty years, even Rick Astley didn't remember any other songs Rick Astley sang. Liz used this moment of amnesia to stuff her patterned weapon down the singer's throat, where the sock met those heavenly vocal folds that have serenaded the interwebs for several years now. The official Fight of the Day footage of Astley's death is expected to become the next obnoxious meme born of the Internet.

Who's up next? Heavens to Betsy, it's Captain America and the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog! And look out, here come Gollum and Socrates! See you tomorrow!