Round Two comes to a close!

Three in four fighters that have taken to the cage to this point have perished! Sixteen competitors remain. Which four made the cut today to round out the Sweet Sixteen?

After a fairly easy opening match against Charlie the Unicorn, Optimus Prime didn't really need all the time he had to recharge. His opponent, slow-speaking John Wayne, could have used a longer rest period. The Academy Award-winning actor barely even had time to eat a healthy breakfast of pancakes and True Grits in his time between matches. As the Duke moseyed toward the center of the cage, asserting himself as a formidable opponent, Optimus Prime took a single, giant stride to meet the oncoming cowboy. When they met in the middle, John Wayne drew his weapon from his holster, revealing it to be his one and only Academy Award. Thinking he could somehow inflict enough damage to defeat Optimus Prime, Wayne began "beatin' the livin' tar" out of the robot. Upon noticing the tiniest of dents in his armor, the Autobot pummeled John Wayne into the cage floor. And that's how the match was won.

At the onset of today's match, the Lorax brought an important fact to the Fight of the Day administration's attention. That fact? There are no trees in or around the Fight of the Day arena. All of them have been logged for more profitable purposes. This made the Lorax both sad and angry, so he chose to lash out and attempt to kill Stephen Hawking. Will all of the fictitious speed of a Dr. Seuss character, the Lorax seized control of Hawking's high-tech wheelchair and sent it careening about the cage. Unable to guide his path, the acclaimed theoretical scientist just did his best to hold on and wait it out. Upon colliding with the side of the cage, one of Hawking's wheels freed itself and set off to take revenge against the Lorax. The wheel went straight for the anti-logging figure and unsheathed its several blades before cleaving the mustachioed tree hugger in twain.

Joan of Arc, clad in her battle armor, looked to be a tough antagonist for the 79-year old Sir Thomas Sean Connery, clad in his sweater-vest and other retirement garb. Joan raised her sword, calling out to God to allow her to strike down the Scot for his wrongs against France. Confused as to what those wrongs were, Connery quietly but convincingly impugned upon Joan's mother. This sent the rebel into a paroxysm of tears, leaving her open to attack. Connery then garfunkled the poor French teenager until she died of shock.

In preparation for the 404th anniversary of this famous plot, Guy Fawkes rigged most of the arena to blow. When radio commentator Rush Limbaugh showed up, he was in the middle of spouting off right-wing, conservative nutjob-isms that were so inflammatory that he ignited the fuse to Fawkes' explosives. The resulting explosion killed Limbaugh, releasing all of the Republican's hot air into the atmosphere. The toxic speech that had long inhabited the failed NFL franchise owner spread across the audience, infecting a least a dozen people and sparking riots and tea parties among others.

So there you have it! The Sweet Sixteen kicks off today with two match-ups: Jackie Chan versus Will Smith and Rick Astley versus Liz Heisler!