Round Two WEST Results!

Innovation, that's what the Fight of the Day 5 is about. Innovation and factualcy. That's factual accuracy, folks. Learn it, know it, live it. Factualcy.

In the spirit of innovation, the commissioner has chosen to deliver the James Bond-Elmo match with accompanying video. The match was fairly lengthy, considering Elmo had no chance of overcoming Bond's incendiary attack. The match went something like this. Those dying giggles will haunt the Fight of the Day arena for years to come.

Christina McIntyre, a force to be reckoned with, rode her trusty bicycle into the cage for her second round fight against Tyler Durden. At the onset of the match, the fighting consisted mostly of punches, kicks, and scholarship applications. When these methods of mayhem failed to produce a clear winner, McIntyre once again mounted her bike and pedaled headlong into Durden. At the very last second, the Fight Club co-founder jumped out of the way and loudly proclaimed, "I just don't want to apply for that Rhodes Scholarship!" This befuddled the Honors staffer so much that she crashed her bike headlong into the cage wall. After sustaining near-fatal injuries McIntyre dragged herself toward the cage door and made her exit, forfeiting the match to Tyler Durden.

Although both competitors arrived in similar colors, the differences between Joseph Stalin and Boba Fett could not have been more stark. The Georgia-born Soviet first tried to hire a bounty hunter to kill his opponent, only to realize that the best of the best was standing opposite him in the cage. To display his status as the best, the clone in Mandolorian armor fired two poison darts into Stalin's neck. Little did Fett know, Stalin was known for his Great Purge ability, which made him invulnerable to blood-borne pathogens. Stalin's counterattack also failed, since he had neither secret police nor the gulag at his disposal. The General Secretary of the Communist Party was running out of options. As he tried to come up with an equally horrible and painful death for Boba Fett, the bounty hunter was able to build, test, and activate a carbonite-freezing unit in the cage. Stalin soon found himself inside the unit and dying of shock upon reaching carbonite hibernation.

With her telepathic abilities, Jean Grey was instantly able to discern her opponent's biggest weakness. Armed with this knowledge, she stole Gary Riggins' spectacles, making him both blind and hilarious. The quiet Hillcrestacean chased the powerful mutant around the cage, trying to coerce her with nothing but a bag of popcorn. Growing tired of this nonsense, Grey turned around to face Riggins, and in a split second tore apart the very matter that comprised the multilingual civil engineer's person. All that was left at the close of the match were the stolen glasses that started all of the action.

Round Two wraps up after four more matches! Who will win in matches featuring Optimus Prime and John Wayne, Stephen Hawking and the Lorax, Joan of Arc and Sean Connery, and finally Rush Limbaugh and Guy Fawkes? Stay tuned to find out!

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