Round One Results, a very musical edition!

I am become death, destroyer of worlds...

...Not me, actually, but four of today's competitors destroyed their opponents! Read on!

Old MacDonald(16) had a fight, E-I-E-I-O!
Where Jackie Chan(1) punched out his lights, E-I-E-I-O!
With a oof-oof! here, and a slam-slam there,
Karate chop, karate chop, everywhere a chop-chop!
Old MacDonald bought the farm, E-I-E-I-O!

Virginia Tech's Associate Housing Director Kenneth Belcher(9) took it upon himself to email Wall-E(8) several times before the match today. First, he warned the Pixar character about upcoming visits to the cage by the fire marshal, and then notified Wall-E that the hot water in his building would be turned off the next morning. Fearing the possibility of unshowered hall mates, Wall-E took action. While only uttering his own name, the lovable automaton tirelessly beat Belcher to a pulp before efficiently tidying up the cage.

Today's third match was held after dark, which just happens to be the best time to fight if you're the Headless Horseman(5). The likelihood that Dark Helmet(12) could win was about as slim as having a Mel Brooks film without a Jew-joke. Even his Schwartz couldn't save him. Dark Helmet swung his lighted weapon at the neck of the Horseman, only to realize that there was not neck at which to swing. The Headless Horseman deftly bonked Dark Helmet on the top of the head, killing him. Safety regulators for the fleet of Planet Spaceball are expected to recall all military-issue helmets after this hilariously ironic death match. In other news, the Headless Horseman finally has new headgear to replace that rotting pumpkin he's been using for years.

Much to the Happyness of the crowd, Will Smith(4) rapped his way into the arena. After this spectacle, his opponent, Ludwig van Beethoven(13) attempted to sneak up behind him and hit him with a Ba-na-na-na. When this failed to work, the great German symphonist tried the "Na na na na boo boo, I can't hear you!" approach, hoping to taunt the multi-talented celebrity into submission. Eventually, Beethoven realized that he had no chance of winning the match, calling himself "pathetique" and giving up. Smith used a very small but effective laser handgun device to silence the composer for good.

Hillcrest's own Liz Heisler faces the Cookie Monster today! Other match-ups include Kenneth Branagh versus Kanye West, Godzilla and Rick Astley, and Captain Kirk versus Ace Ventura!